FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Just this preview of the story is enough
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
become ungovernable
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me too, bag. Me too….
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.