Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: