Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Pizza is an emotion right?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I bet birds love this building.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.