One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
me doing my best
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”