Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY