Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU