TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Inside you there are two wolves
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Okay
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.