Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*