Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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This is sending me to another galaxy
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.