Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages