Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
A fake ID that makes you younger
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
what it’s like dating me:
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.