Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
You Might Also Like
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?