Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.