Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.