Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
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Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I’ve been drinking.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?