cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Basically.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Tough love is true love
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.