COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Clients after you give them your rates