COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
You Might Also Like
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
#titanic
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
sigh