Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.