I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”