cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit