cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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Spider-cat: No One Home
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth