#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes