Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
This is a sub tweet
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
girls literally only want one thing..
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Horrifying if literal: foot locker