Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Many hands make light work
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*