Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂