Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends