COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Put this video in the Louvre
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.