Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Salad is the decaf of food.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
i love modern commerce
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Feels like the fourth month in January
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time