Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
You Might Also Like
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
nothing saves money like being antisocial
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.