please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
You Might Also Like
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I’m ready for Halloween this year