Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
You Might Also Like
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
sugar glider wrangler
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?