@JennyJohnsonHi5: Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
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@causticbob: A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?" He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."
@JessObsess: ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
@ArfMeasures: KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here ME: Oh no! WIFE: Talk to him ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it's might HAVE
@hgracestewart: It's been scientifically proven that women who worry are smart. I must be a freaking genius.