@JennyJohnsonHi5: Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
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@AmishPornStar1: Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
@littlelady899: When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
@sixfootcandy: Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference? Me: Not if you're considering me for the job.