Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
True
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
🙂🙃🥹
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*