[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
😬
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit