[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
who wants to go expliring
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired