[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
This raises questions
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou