cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.