@ch000ch: cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
@imence2: Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive.
@WilliamRodgers: The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it... I'm gonna miss that baby...
@thepunningman: [Restaurant] "Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?" Yes please "THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"