cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.