Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.