Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I was just discussing this with my cat
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?