COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes