COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.