Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there