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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT