Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
what
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
This one’s “Alex”.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!