[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*