Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”