@mikeleffingwell: Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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@shahrouzt: The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
@Marlebean: Him: Your body is like poetry Me: That's so nice! H: A haiku M:.. H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom M: Just stop
@bromanconsul: LA girls say they want to go on "adventures" but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking
@NotthatAdamWest: "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can..." *turns into penguin* "DAMMIT I WASN'T FINISHED!"