Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean