Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
my sentiments exactly
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this