cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.