@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
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@BlindChow: INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: ʸᵉˢ INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@SashaBrenner: One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 :(
@amishschool: If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.