@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
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@GABBYdaAngSaya: Genie: I'll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That's very nice of you
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*