@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
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@carlyaquilino: *lays in bed* "Did I leave the oven on? When's the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure"
@BriarSlyMalice: SHE has the mouth of a sailor... ...that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
@mattZillaaaa: Tomorrow is my company's office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat