@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
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@briangaar: Me: Honey, are you awake? [wife rustles] Hmmm? Me: When we were fighting & you said "Wolverine's powers suck," did you really mean that
@GreenishDuck: Sure I'll eat square slices of pizza, but I'm thinking of triangular ones the whole time.
@kbnoswag: Me: I want ice cr- Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I've been to Italy