@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
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@PastorMark: A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa's clothes but lost his grandpa's work ethic.
@NicestHippo: *tries online dating* Oh…oh no *tries real life dating* Ok this is actually worse somehow
@mydmac: Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy? Me: Yes, thanks.
@Reverend_Scott: You excited to watch the Super Bowl? "Ya, but only cuz the commercials." [sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]